Dreamchasing

I wanted to write about some parallels that I had noticed between my life and the fictional characters in a booked titled "Norwegian Wood" by Haruki Murakami, but I realized I would be too vague for that post to have any edifying effect.

Instead, I'm just going to <ramble> a little bit.

It's not set in stone, but generally the rule I have is to post twice a month on the blog. I feel like it's a good number of posts. Not too many that they all seem too similar, and enough time elapses in between for something interesting to happen.

Indeed, interesting things are happening, but I don't always feel at liberty to post them publicly. That's not to say you will never hear of them (maybe that's not what you want), but right now, I'm in more of a collecting mood. I see this time of my life as an exciting ride. I'm directing it, but loosely. Things are happening, and sometimes (literally, actually) I just participate in my life while I smile at the surreality of it all.

I write often, and I'm trying to write 1,000 words every day (at least 5 days a week). This type of exercise is helping me to become more comfortable using the written word as a medium of expression. It's the type of dedication and exercise I would have needed to maintain in order to achieve something with my visual art, something that I never did.

Thinking that I want to write, thinking that I want to be a writer, thinking that I am a writer, these are powerful thoughts that allow me to practice something that I love. Although it seems ridiculous, I have never before given myself permission to explore possibilities like being a writer. I would fantasize of the things I wanted to do, but unconsciously preclude them from ever happening because I wasn't what I needed to be to do them.

For instance, I've always wanted to be involved in movies. I used to (still do) fantasize about being an actor, a director, and a screenwriter, but because I've never been one of these things, I have always precluded the possibility of me being one of them. As obvious as it may seem to you, I have only recently realized that I must simply be these things. Sure, I must pay my dues, do my research, and go about it the right way, but ultimately I am that which I choose to be. The qualification of "successful" may not come, but if I want to write, act or model, I certainly can try.

As long as you don't wrap yourself up too much in what it is you want to achieve, and it's more about being happy with what you can be, I think there is some deep gratification to be found in chasing improbable dreams. I want to chase my dreams, as stupid as they might be, or improbable, or grand, or whatever.

I'm feeling very good about writing every day, even though I don't write good stories, and I don't really know what direction to take. The simple fact that I write is what feels good. Just do what you want to do. If it's harder to do because you can't do it on your own or with your own resources, I encourage you to find a way. That's what I am doing now, and that's the approach I intend to pursue.

</ramble>

A Treatise On My Personal Freedom

My day to day act of living—my life—is divorced in many ways from the cultural mores of the American culture in which I dwell. My priorities are not those of a large and populous group. I do not pursue prototypical goals in generically prescribed manners. I wish not to define myself such to fit into either a word or a group.

I understand where people are coming from (or why they hold their beliefs). Much in the same way a historian can trace the decline and fall of an empire or a civilization I can see and understand, but that does not make me a part of that world. Surely there is a point where I am invited into society and I must accept the invitation in order for full integration to be complete. Conversely, if I am born into a society, is it not my right to reject my place? At what point am I ever truly compelled to perform a work, a service, or a duty to anyone or any entity because I was born into a place? That sounds like slavery to me, but I am free.

Recognizing that I am free, I also allow that to reject a place in society but to dwell among it is to live at its collective charity. However, if I do so willingly, and the society allows me to, then the situation can hardly be criticized. I will exploit this society as long as it allows me to. At such a time that I am prevented or no longer allowed to use its benefits I would hold no ill will and would agree that it is a fair course. 

I think the constructive thought process of the unbiased observer would be to ask what would make a person desire to reject a culture and all its attendant and implied benefits. A less constructive thought process would seek to remedy the symptom of that desire, which is the parasitic nature of my existence within society.
I recognize that to overtly break laws or rules is to jeopardize my physical freedom. Therefore; I seek to preserve as much freedom for myself without compromising my values as much as possible. I do this through conformance, and it is a compromise I am willing to make within my value system. Yet I am determined never to lose my freedom of thought, and my freedom of action, or inaction. The locus of perception is within me. Therefore, the feelings of duty, responsibility or obligation all originate in my mind. Acknowledging this, it is within my power to control what I feel I must or must not do.