The Manifesto Revisited

I feel like I'm not reaching my potential. I feel like my absolute potential is beginning to dwindle. This should be a manifesto but instead it reads as a eulogy of my unseen abilitiy.

I want to be strong, I want to be respected. I think that people should know the mettle that's inside me—realize that I'm not the average loser that they thought I was. I'm not average. I feel different, maybe I feel I'm the exception to average; to mundane. I want to change my beliefs about untested talents into records of achievements. I want people to say of me “he has it.” I want to be on the cutting edge. That's the only place it's still happening. There's more to be done in this world and I'm not doing any of it.

I don't know how to go about it, but I know I'm not doing it now. It's time to step up, to take the yoke, to take the burden and hold the mantel of accomplishment and travel into the undone, the not-yet reality of new feats.

I blend in because I don't do anything to stand out. I'm scared to try, scared to fail. I think I'm strong but I time and again prove myself wrong. I try things I think I should be able to do, and I fail. Perhaps I'm kidding myself, perhaps we all are. By definition, the majority of us are average in our persuits and accomplishments. Why should I be different?
I think that by thinking I should be better, different, that that is the start and a key, but have I started that line of thought too late? Have I decided to become something unacheiveable? Akin to saying I want to be a teenage prodigy at the too old age of 26? Clearly impossible. So what is possible? What is possibility? Surely not just the statement of potential, without regard to likelihood or attainability. What's my possibility? What can I become from where I stand now?

Here's what I want: climb V10 and harder, climb 5.14 trad, sport, whatever. Run ultramarathons. Date/marry/live with/whatever the most beautiful woman with the best personality I've ever met.

I want to set standards, raise bars, and be unlimited.

Feeling the Pulse of Reality 8/21/2012

I wrote that on May 16^th. It’s freeform, stream of thought and probably only took 10 minutes or less to write. I regularly write similar manifestos as they relate to issues I’m dealing with in my life. They serve as a means of cathartic release and to organize sometimes scrambled thoughts.

Instead of posting this, I decided to write The Manifesto—a more palatable, less authentic and more humble version of my secret thoughts.

However, as I continue to grow, I continue to seek the sincerity that attracts me to others. Through that process, I realize I must also become more sincere and remove more of my barriers between my honest thoughts and their outward expression through my words and actions.

The woman I met at “Muscle Beach” (mentioned in the post above) is as far as I can perceive, the embodiment of one of the goals of my life—read that with all the import that I mean.

My pessimistic side expects failure in the endeavor, but as I have said, there is a part of me that is ever hopeful (could I be a closet optimist, or is this something different?), and I want to stay here to see this part of my story played out and concluded with finality. I know I’m still young when I’m conducting my life and actions according to the song of my heart, but if I am young then let me act as such, and amen.

Let’s face it, I’m preaching to the choir: anyone who reads my blog is already interested in me and what I’m doing, and that’s really regardless of what content I put into the blog itself. That notwithstanding, I feel like I owe you, the reader, something more than the perfunctory updates that a blog like this might be expected to carry.
In that way I hope you will grow with me and share in the story of my life as I see it.

I am first and foremost aware that every story can be told by many different characters—each with their own perspectives. In my story, I am the protagonist. In your story, my story might be a subplot, a plot twist, or completely tangential.

I strive to find the balance between playing over dramatic, and under reporting the drama I do find in my life. I also trust you to apply your own critical thinking and reading skills to discern the truth from the dramatic flair or the understated treatment.